Teens, Technology, and Romantic Relationships

Lenhart, A., Smith, A., and Anderson, M. (2015). “Teens, Technology and Romantic Relationships." Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/10/01/teens-technology-and-romantic-relationships/

As I opened up the letter on the bus to the district academic meet, my nervousness grew. I couldn't help to feel a flutter in my heart because I knew what it meant. It meant that Sam Mitchell liked me. What's more - it meant that he wanted me to know. I opened the letter and saw three drawn squares, that squares that I had wanted to see.

I checked yes, I wore the "girlfriend" title with pride. We never held hands, nor did he every walk me to class... but we were an item. Oh yes, that we were. And then slowly, a while two weeks later, things had changed. Sam Mitchell didn't feel the same way. He wrote me a letter, with a proper salvation and closing, to break up with me. He told me he was returning to his ex girlfriend, Asia.

That was in 1991. I don't know how things would've played out in the present. How would this mad two-week whirlwind of love have transpired if technology were a part of it?

Ann Lenhart, Monica Anderson, and Aaron Smith's research taps into how teens navigate their romances. Anywhere from flirting, to wooing, to entertaining the possibility of a romantic connection. Understanding these trends can help educators figure out to how help teens navigate through these very emotional and socially stressful years of their lives.

Thankfully, I found solace in the fact that only 35 percent of teenagers had romances between the ages of 13 and 17. What's even more comforting is that only 8% claim to have had a relationship found online, most of these on Facebook (so Facebook isn't totally dead for teens). These are actual relationships. Teens, however, use social avenues for a great deal of flirting, joking around, or interact with someone they have a crush on. Check out these stats from the article!

In person - 55% of all teens ages 13 to 17 have flirted or talked to someone in person to let them know they are interested.
Facebook and other Social Media - 50% of teens have let someone know they were interested in them romantically by friending them on Facebook or another social media site.
Liking on Social Media - 47% have expressed their attraction by liking, commenting or otherwise interacting with that person on social media.
Shared funny things - 46% have shared something funny or interesting with their romantic interest online
Flirtatious Messaging - 31% sent them flirtatious messages.
Love through Music - 11% have made them a music playlist.
Provocative Photo Creations - 10% have sent flirty or sexy pictures or videos of themselves.(This survey did not ask about sexting or sending nude pictures.)
Video Creations - 7% have made a video for them.

In all honestly, the photo and video sharing scares me. Although the survey was not specific as to the content of the photos, it is still an unsettling feeling. Students don't comprehend that online interactions are "tattoos" if you will. They don't go away. Once "send" is clicked, there is never going back. These images and videos can never be retrieved. This reminds me of the book titled, Thousand Words, by Jennifer Brown. This would be a good read to prevent irresponsible online etiquette.

Book cover image found on Amazon.com

In teens who have never dated, roughly a third engage in conversation in person. Another third friend or interact online by liking a post of some sort, and the other third of teens who have never dated, share funny or interesting things online. This would be considered "entry level" dating behaviors.

For the most advanced teen, a more sexually suggestive behavior is acted out. Over half message someone their interested, and 23% send images or videos. These percentages are really low for teens who have not dated. This is to be expected in the more experienced teens.

As in adult romance circles, girls are more likely to be the victims of unwanted attention. Girls have have had to block or sever ties from those aggravating them - 35% of girls to be exact. This preventative behavior enables teens to get the aggressor as far away as possible - even online.

As most relationships experience, there is also a hint of jealousy that is experienced on online romances. The same is true for a feeling of togetherness in the couple. There is a connection that social media caters to when nurturing these young relationship. This occurrence is juxtaposed by a feeling of insecurity as well. As librarians, administrators, and educators, knowing and recognizing a pattern of behaviors can help guide and guide students on how to handle the feelings and emotions that come with expressing themselves online.

But boys are not excluded from this dynamic either. They are also sensitive at heart. Sixty-five (65) percent of boys feel more connected to their significant other on social media, than a little over half of girls. Boys are more emotionally vested in this transaction. That sheds some light on sensitivity that is often times overlooked.

But teens appear to be looking for the same reciprocal affection from their significant other. The majority (85%) expect to hear from their partner at least once a day. Texting is the favorite mode of communicating, beating talking on the phone! Maybe the days of "No you hang up..." "No you..." are not long gone yet.

I was also glad to learn that teen research their potential prospects. If I were to compare that to my teenage years, I'd have to say that this is where we would ask their friends questions about them. Now, teens will stalk and investigate what their crush does or behaves and proceed from there.

The Approach

So now that the recon work has been done, what happens? Do more traditional customs remain where the boy asks the girl in person? Or has it done a complete 180 degree turn and the girls are the ones approaching? I'm glad to say that boys still hold fast to their bravery. The report stated that 69% of boys still ask a girl out in person. Once the relationship has begun, texting becomes the favored method of communication - and in 72% of teens text every day,

92% text at least occasionally
87% talk on the phone
86% of romances spend time together outside of school hours
70% spend time together on social media
69% are using instant or online messaging
55% use video chats
49% use messaging apps
37% use good old fashioned email
and 31% spend time together while they're playing video games

Trouble in Paradise

When the butterflies and teenagers go their separate ways, it is disastrous. Like some adults it can easily become unpleasant. Texting is seen as the most tactless way to break off a signifiant other; however, this seems to be the method of choice. 92% of teens prefer to be "let go" in person.

What shocked me was that there is a small number of relationships that exhibit abusive tendencies (11%). Regardless of this small percentage, it poses a danger to those involved, and again, this is another way that educators can be difference between scarred youths or young people who still have a chance of experiencing something true and respectful. And just as easily as they'd want for others to enjoy their happy times together online, they feel that this behavior is intrusive and welcomes unwanted attention. This can bring negative and abrasive situations after a break up.

The Aftermath

Unfortunately, the clean up of having a bad relationship can be quite messy online. Teens have to block or unfriend the parties involved, untag photos, or even block an ex because of unwanted drama.

The pruning process isn't much different from something adults would do. And although other parties may express support during this aftermath, other teens feel inquiries are too intrusive.

Almost half of teens feel one can't escape former relationships. In an effort to grieve the process of a failed relationship, teens do a number of things from sending a high volume of texts over a short period of time to impersonating their ex in a text message.

Students are younger versions of adults in more ways than one. They strive to find a feeling of fulfillment, of being wanted, loved, and of loving in return too. But because they're at a very sensitive and impressionable time in their lives, teens find it difficult to navigate through romantic relationships. Proper teaching and modeling of online behavior and expectations can facilitate their voyage during such a time.

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